Trigun Talk
by RedTuna
Summary: Yup. Another one of those talk shows! Your hosts are Wolfwood and Legato and they will discuss everyday topics and have guests, too. Expect to see much of the Trigun cast in this parody! T for violence and swearing.
1. Welcome

Welcome to Trigun Talk. I got the idea from my good friend, Nick's Derringe Girl. She told me I could take over her old story/start my own with a similar premise... So here we are! This is somewhat of a parody where our hosts and gueses will discuss everyday topics and engage in debates (probably fights). Let's see how it goes.. Feedback is welcome as I'd like to know what people think. I haven't seen anything like this in the Trigun category, recently.

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A blue velvet curtain opens onto a white stage with two black armchairs on opposite sides of a leather couch. If you were seated in the audience, you would be able to see a blue-haired man in a white coat, black shirt and pants, with the shoulder of the coat accented with large spikes and a skull. He is seated on the right side.

"Hello and welcome. This is Trigun Talk, the best start to your morning," Legato drawls. "I'll be your host, Legato Bluesummers, as we go on marvelous journeys and explore the nuances of everyday life." Glancing at the man controlling the teleprompter, Legato unleashes a menacing glare and the man falls down dead. "That's better! Now," he folds his hands, "today's topic will be introductions." He makes a fist and coughs lightly into it. "I was supposed to have a co-host, but he is currently disposed, so let's talk about me!" Flashing a bright smile at the audience, Legato gives a little wave, which is quickly cut off by a loudspeaker.

"Hold up!" a voice calls. "This is your director speaking. There are supposed to be two hosts. Nicholas D Wolfwood is the other. He will be out shortly...Once we find him." The speaker clicks off.

"Whoops, well it seems there has been a mix up! I am clearly the only host. The man who tried to steal the chair that is clearly mine," he gestures to the one he is sitting in, "has been properly put in his place. Under the ground. Now then!"

Legato stands and starts to pace back and forth. "I lead an organization called the Gung-Ho Guns. I valiantly fight off the viscous outlaw, Vash the Stampede, for his brother, Millions Knives. I am eternally indebted to that man for his guidance and benefaction to my organization."

Legato has stopped pacing and looks up to see someone dressed in a black head-to-toe bodysuit holding more cur cards. "That won't save you," he merrily calls up to the man on the balcony at the back of the auditorium. The man drops the cards and scrabbles out of sight. "Brilliant. Anyways, for my private life-"

A man dressed in a black suit with white accents and fancy brown shoes steps out from the left side of the stage. He is smoking a mostly-done cigarette. "HELLO," he sneers. "They found me, you giant bitch." He turns to the audience, "Everyone, I am Nicholas D Wolfwood. You can call me Wolfwood." He smiles and saunters past Legato, whose one visible eye is slightly popping out of his head. When he is almost completely beyond the other man, he pulls back Legato's coat and shirt and drops his cigarette butt in.

Legato yelps and runs around until he manages to extract the now unlit cigarette. He glares at Wolfwood, but takes a seat anyways. Wolfwood is also sitting and now addresses the audience. "This couch is between us for obvious reasons." Legato is still glaring.

"This man," Legato begins, "Is a mercenary who used to work for me. I fired him for his incompetence."

"Fired," Wolfwood mimes quotation marks. "He tried to kill me!" Jumping from his seat, he hides behind it and draws a pistol. Legato stands and sticks his right hand out as if to do a "force choke".

The loudspeaker clicks on once again as the curtain starts to fall. "That's all for today! We need to fix-Err... Happily have a chat with our hosts...Yeahhh. So join u-" The director is cut off by gunshots and screaming. "-s again next time for Trigun Talk!" The speaker clicks off and the auditorium goes black.


	2. Hell?

The show opens with the blue velvet curtain again being drawn back and the stage is revealed in surprisingly good condition in lieu of the events at the end of the last show. Our hosts walk out from opposing sides and take their seats. Legato is carrying a half-eaten bag of cookies and Wolfwood can be heard grumbling the whole way.

"They feed him sweets and treat him like he runs the place…" he says. Legato innocently stares at the preacher and munches on one of his treats.

Legato gives a small smile and finishes his cookie. "These people are quite wonderful, Nicholas, wouldn't you say?"

Wolfwood glares back and then plants his hands on the armrests, and, leaning forward, addresses the audience. "Hi. I'm here against my will. Does anybody care?" Woldfood pauses. "Is anyone even out there?" he asks curiously.

"Hi!" Comes a voice from somewhere.

Wolfwood's eyes become slits and he scrunches up his face. "No wonder they won't let us see who's out there." He sits back.

"Let's get on with it," Legato drawls, his empty cookie bag on the floor slightly to his left. "Today we're talking about…" He reads a cue card. "How we got here we are, today. Well that should be easy. I was trained by my Master Knives to fight his brother who-"

Somewhat interested, Wolfwood speaks up. "Who what?" he asks.

Legato's eye widens and he frowns. "He, uhm, heh. He killed me. So how _am_ I here?"

"Y'know—Wait. I was killed, too! I remember sitting on the floor, dying, and then… This." He comes to a realization. "OH GOD WE'RE IN HELL."

"Yay!" Legato claps his hands.

Wolfwood stands and paces, looking around "There's gotta be a misfile, I'm a priest, y'know!"

"An evil priest!" Legato smiles. Someone throws hom another bag of cookies from offstage. "Ooh!" he squeals.

"If this is Hell, then why are they nice to you?"

Legato smirks. "I'm evil. They obviously like me, here. So, how did I get here?" he crunches on a cookie.

"You killed me." Wolfwood folds his arms and takes away Legato's sweets. He eats a few before he is forced to hand them back.

"My powers still work," Legato observes.

"Yeah, bully for you. I don't have powers… Do I at least get more cigarettes?" A pack comes flying. "Maybe it's not Hell, after all. In which case," he points at Legato. "HE'S A MISFILE!" he calls to the back of the auditorium. No one responds. "Damn."

`The cue card changes. "Talk about bunnies?" Legato miffs.

"We _have_ bunnies? I don't think so."

""What's a bunny?"

Wolfwood shrugs. "Beats me." A small rabbit hops onstage from the left and makes its way towards the two men. "Oh now what's that?!"

Legato gets down on the floor and holds a cookie out to the medium-sized animal. He holds out a cookie. The rabbit sniffs it and hops to hide behind Wolfwood.

"He-hey, now. What are you?" The preacher asks it. The rabbit just stares up at him so he picks it up. "It's cute."

Legato is sitting down, again, with his arms crossed. "I even tried to share…" he quietly sulks.

"What's that?" Wolfwood asks. "This thing isn't so bad. Want to see it?" he tentatively asks the other man.

"I… Guess." Wolfwood hands the rabbit to Legato and he holds it on his lap. After a minute or so, Wolfwood's fascination gets the better of him and he tries to take the creature back. "It's mine, now!" Legato snaps and shoos the other away.

Wolfwood rolls his eyes and takes his seat, again, and stares at the cue cards, hoping something else will happen. The new card says, "The End". "Already?" he asks. He takes out a cigarette and lights it up.

Stage hands come out and begin to walk towards Legato, who is still petting the rabbit. One asks for it and the blue-haired man only hugs it tighter to himself. He glares and warns the hands to back off. Someone else tries to outright take the little animal from Legato and he is forced to slam his own head into the wall. The others back up as the curtain closes.

"Bet you all die," is Woflwood's dim conjecture from behind the thin wall.

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Soo. Not too much of a linear plot, here. I will try to make this more cohesive in the next chapter. Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think :)


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